BDSM may be the most misunderstood category of kink.
For centuries, people have condemned it, whispered about it, and glamorized it — but many who talk about it don’t really understand what BDSM is.
Eroticism is an integral part of BDSM, but that’s not all it is. It’s a practice that encompasses profound emotional and psychological depth and an often intense exploration of power dynamics. And while some people still think of BDSM as taboo, many embrace it as a lifestyle.
This kink might seem intimidating. But it can range from casual fun to full-on commitment. If you’re curious, there are plenty of ways to dip your toes in to try it out — and we’re here to show you how.
Learning what the acronym stands for is the first step to understanding the meaning of BDSM, but some of the letters do double duty: B and D stand for bondage and discipline; D and S for dominance and submission; and S and M for sadism and masochism.
Bondage involves physically restraining a partner with tools like ropes, handcuffs, and blindfolds. It can range from light bondage with soft, easily loosened sashes to serious hardware that’s tricky to escape — it’s all about the thrill of trust and sexual tension.
Rules are an essential part of BDSM. And when the rule-follower breaks those rules, the rule-maker doles out discipline, often in the form of physical punishment (impact play like whipping or spanking) or psychological punishment (like erotic humiliation).
Where rules go, control follows. The person exercising control in a dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship is called a dom. You’ll also sometimes hear a female dom referred to as a dominatrix or pro-domme — a woman who calls the shots and doles out punishment for a living.
The counterpart to dominance: Submissives (or “subs”) consensually relinquish control to the dominant partner, happily accepting their punishment when they don’t play by the rules.
BDSM has been around in one form or another for a long time, and sadism takes its name from one of erotica’s founding fathers, the Marquis de Sade, a French writer and libertine who spent much of his adult life imprisoned for sex scandals. Richard von Krafft-Ebing, a German psychiatrist, introduced the term in 1890, describing a sadist as someone who enjoys inflicting pain or humiliation on others.
Sadism can’t be consensual without a willing partner. Luckily, masochists love being on the receiving end of pain. Von Krafft-Ebing coined this term, too, taking the name from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, a 19th-century author who fictionalized his masochistic fantasies in erotic stories and novels.
Without consent, any type of sexual behavior is assault, from kissing to intercourse and everything in between. BDSM is no exception. And because of the power dynamics inherent to this kink, verbal consent and boundary-setting are an absolute must. Every single thing you and your partners do must be consensual, no matter how small.
It’s also important to remember that either partner can revoke consent at any time. Establish a safe word — an agreed-upon term that, when spoken, signals that whatever is happening needs to stop. “Red” might mean “stop,” while “yellow” means “slow down.” An effective safe word ensures trust and security never get lost in the heat of the moment.
Being controlled is a turn-on for subs — they may even find comfort in being constrained, bossed around, or punished. Doms feel empowered by being in control and making their partner submit. If you’re a switch, you might mix up the role you play depending on the scene and the partner you’re with.
But no matter which role interests you most, it all begins with communication. Start slow, openly discussing your fantasies, boundaries, and desires. Listen to your partner, and make sure everyone is on board with the role they’ll play.
For most practitioners, BDSM is more than just a sexual activity. It can improve your self-esteem by providing an environment that nurtures and validates your needs and desires. You and your partners can explore boundaries, experience deep trust, and discover parts of yourselves you didn’t even know existed.
BDSM also promotes strong communication, deepening the intimacy and understanding between you and your partner(s).
Want to speak the language of BDSM? Here are some of the most common terms.
Think BDSM might be for you? Here are some tips for getting started.
We recommend aftercare for everyone who’s sexually active, even if the sex is vanilla. Intercourse is an intimate act, even with someone you barely know, and aftercare ensures everyone involved walks away (or drifts off to sleep) feeling safe, secure, and respected. It can be as simple as cuddling and exchanging tender words or as involved as going out on a date — all that matters is that everyone’s needs continue being met once the deed is done.
BDSM involves a great deal of tension, vulnerability, and often pain. Practicing sexual aftercare helps ease participants back into the “real” world in a healthy way so the experience remains beneficial, not traumatizing.
Want to get a taste of BDSM before you try it for yourself? You don’t have to read the Marquis de Sade to get inspired — ethical porn and erotica make pushing the boundaries of sexuality easy and fun. That’s why we made Quinn, the audio erotica app created by women for the world. If you’re interested in bondage, degradation, spanking, or domination, the wide range of erotic content on Quinn is a great place to start.
To access thousands of audio stories, aftercare playlists, and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.
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